Do You Always Know?

I am not someone who would talk about what goes in my head as I don’t think I can make myself understood because am not really the best at communicating what I feel. But yes I would be lying if I say that there is nothing that I want in life and that I have everything(infact to be honest there is nothing much that I have- no people around who I can depend on or would want to depend on, no aspirations, no plan and the constant tussle between wanting to be too many things at the same time)… There are times when I feel that if I want I can get rid of this mechanical life, tiresome job, irritating people around me and just give it all up, as I am under no compulsion to deal with it. But then I would not want to be one of those who always had it easy in life… though I have been quite lucky so far as I never had to really fight for things. (I have no idea if I am making any sense but believe me you, this is how my brain functions. It keeps oscillating between things trying to rationalize the randomness that exists and trying to fuzz out the little bit of clarity that I ever had about anything and everything)

Just like the fight club.. “After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down”

and that’s why I just fight things every day…am always in this phase of learning where I feel that I can inculcate whichever thinking, rationalizing, randomizing processes that exist.

There are days when I want to be this person who works real hard, excels professionally and commands respect… then there are days when I don’t want to do a thing in life and just sit back and read a novel or watch a movie.. then there are days when I would be all hyper about doing something totally different from things that I have ever done…. Days where I dream of being involved in heroic deeds.. acts that set me apart from the rest.. days when I am this simple person who has a world of her own – a tiny one of just a few people who I live for… days when I am this nicey nicey being who is loved by all… days when I am the conniving bitch who does not give a damn about what is happening around and does not care for any one else as after all it is my life… days when I want to keep people around me happy and live for them and not for myself… days when I totally curse myself for having taken the decisions that I have and where I feel that life would have been a lot easier if only I had decided wisely earlier…. Days when nothing could have been better than what it is at the present… days when I am in perfect harmony with the kind of life I lead and am grateful for all that comes my way… days filled with envy where I want to be this particular person who has always enjoyed life more than I have.. days when I want to be this queen of sacrifices where people around me take pity on me….days when am this tragic heroine who has done a lot for others and does not get enough appreciation for what I do… days when I am this woman who has total control over her life and can do anything that she wants… days where am this mean person who has always hurt people around and am in this apologetic spree.. days when I feel that am better than most of the others as I am genuine and I donot pretend…oxymoronic yes but there are such days too… days when family is all that I would ever live for… days when I would easily give up on the personal life and just go wandering…. Days when I want to be a recluse in the Himalayas where life is peaceful… days when I want to be a monk as you submit yourself to this extremely exhaustive rule sheet that you never have to make any decisions further in life as there are no choices offered…